The Garden of Hesperides

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Messages for your Answering Machine

  • Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

  • Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done... (Cachunk!)

  • I'm sorry but my answering machine is out of order. I am leaving a broken CD player in its place. It can't take messages either. In fact, it can't even play you a nice tune while you wait to not leave a message.

  • Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag.

  • Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

  • (Machine voice:) Hello. This is HAL 5. You have reached the former telephone number of Carey Smith. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone.

  • Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

  • (Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead -- this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".

  • Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone.

  • This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".

  • Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

  • (Gregorian chants in background; serene voice:) Hello, Brother or Sister. You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues.

  • Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange... mother... unicorn... penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

  • ("Camptown Races":)
    I can't come to the telephone; doo-dah, doo-dah.
    Leave your message when you hear the tone; oh, de doo-dah day.
    Might be gone all night... Might be gone all day...
    So leave a message when you hear the tone.
    I'll call you back someday...

  • ("Winter Wonderland":)
    Hear the ring, inside our home.
    Once again, can't get the phone.
    So please be polite,
    You know that it's right,
    And leave a message when you hear the tone.

  • (Beethoven's Fifth:)
    Nobody's home.
    Why did you phone?
    Please leave your message here when you have heard the tone,
    And we will call you back as soon as we get home.
    Your message here,
    After the tone,
    Here is the tone... tone... BEEP

  • I once had a little white phone,
    That would ring when it was alone.
    Then I got a tape,
    For when I escape,
    So please leave your name at the tone.

  • Hello, this is the Computer Music Research Institute of Portland, Oregon. We can't take your call at the moment, but we would like you to leave a critique of one of our current works in progress. BEEP

  • I can't answer the phone now because I'm over at Slobinskis's house. Me and five other guys are helping him replace a lightbulb.

  • I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

  • I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

  • I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.

  • Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

  • Please leave a tone after the message.

  • Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil. (Open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) OK, what would you like me to tell me?

  • We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

  • You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

  • If a telephone rings in an empty room and no one is there to answer it, was there really a phone call? Help me investigate this phenomenon by leaving your name and number after the tone.

  • (Strong east Indian accent:) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of Ransheesh. I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name and which lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars align properly.

  • Hello, this is Adrian; I'm just returning your call. If you haven't made a call yet, please do so now, because if I try to answer a call you haven't even made yet, it could create a temporal paradox, which could seriously disrupt the space-time continuum, and possibly even cause the entire universe to implode. And you wouldn't want that to happen, now, would you?

  • So! You've finally called. And I suppose you think I'll just be here. Well you're wrong. I gave up on that yesterday. Seventeen weeks is long enough. Waiting for you; staring at the phone; never going anywhere... Well I've had enough! I decided to get a real life, so I'm out testing lint removers for Ralph Nader. Now it's your turn. Leave a message at the beep and I might just get back to you -- if I survive my new job.

  • Thank you for calling, no doubt,
    As you can guess, we're out.
    When we get home,
    We'll call on the phone.
    Until then, just hang about.

  • Hello, this is Marlin's answering machine reminding you that yesterday was the last day of the previous period of your life. After the beep you can tell me how it was, or leave some other, informative message. Thanks.

  • (Jack Webb voice:) This is the city. Lambertville, New Jersey. I work here. I carry a tune. I was changing my name to protect my innocence when I got a call about a 411. It sounded like good information to me. But I needed more. A name and a number. So leave yours and I'll return your call. Or I can send you a FAX. Nothing but the FAX, ma'am. (Hum the "Dragnet" theme...)

  • I can't come to the phone right now,
    But please don't be a creep.
    Just leave your name and number,
    At the sound of the...

  • These words are lovely dark and deep
    But I've got promises to keep
    and miles to go before I sleep
    So leave a message at the beep.

  • Now I lay me down to sleep;
    Leave a message at the beep.
    If I die before I wake,
    Remember to erase the tape.


   o__
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URL=http://two.not2.org/hesperides/humor/answering.htm

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