Session 3: Grace

The client, 'Karen,' is a woman in her mid thirties. She is suffering the after-effects of having been sexually molested and beaten by her grandfather as a child. She believed she had to put up with this behavior because her father had abandoned the family and the grandfather was supporting them. EMDR tapes with alternating right and left auditory stimulation were used to facilitate this session. Karen's target for the session was her feelings of shame.

      "A lot of pain and shame. I had to feel all this stuff, all the violence and pain." I suggested that she shine the light of consciousness on the pain so it could heal.
      "The pain wants to be acknowledged." Karen's body was shaking. She contorted her body and covered her face with her hands. "It's over. I survived. But I feel there's still no room for me in this world." I suggested that Karen target this feeling. "Despair. No matter where I turn, there's no room for me. Even in my relationship." Karen cried a lot with deep wracking sobs, bending over and covering her face. She was coughing and choking. "This is the abuse. I can't be who I am. So much shame. There must be something wrong with me."
      "I don't have to live like that any more. (The turnaround began here.) I won't live like that anymore. I'm in charge. I'm stronger now. I can make my own decisions. Speaking up and standing up doesn't mean I'll be alone. You don't have to kowtow or submit in order to be loved." "I'm afraid that if I stand up in this relationship (i.e., with her current partner), he'll leave me. The image of my Dad comes. If I stood up for myself I'd be obliterated. He was so angry. I believed I had to submit to men in order to live. My grandfather supported us. I felt I had to sacrifice myself and let him abuse me to preserve the family."
      "My field is clearing now. Reverberating. A boost in my field, moving outward." Karen's hands were open and out now, vibrating. "I feel like I'm receiving Grace. It's washing over me. I don't feel I deserve it. I have fear in my heart to let it in. Is it real? Can I trust it? It wants to move into my pelvis. Part of me wants to push it away. I know what I am if I'm this way. I don't know what I am if I'm not this." 'Grace' spoke to Karen and said, "You can be all of yourself if you let me in." Karen replied, "I'm afraid that I'll be too big, too much. And I fear that I won't be enough." She sobbed deeply with open hands and her head back. "I invited Grace in."
      Karen had a blissful expression. The energy of Grace had moved to all the places in her body where she formerly held pain and fear. Having resolved her resistance to receiving Grace, the turnaround completed itself. "I see myself as a totally different kind of person now. I can be happy, joyful, fully alive. I can let go of all the pain, the grief, the shame, the guilt. I'm a new person. I don't have to be ashamed. I can let people see me. I can smile without feeling embarrassed. I can really look at people and stand up for myself, say how I feel, and speak my truth. I'm smart. I'm very smart. I'm funny, wise, gentle, and loving. I have a childlike quality of innocence. I'm strong and sensitive, knowledgeable because of my experiences. I've learned a lot. I've been through it. Now I know the journey. I'm smart. I used to play dumb. I don't want to do that now. It feels scary. I'm free. I have no fear of abandonment."
      Karen silently received the energy in her body. "It's coming in more and more strongly. I can let go of the old image of myself—that I had to be a certain way to be accepted." Karen started to vibrate strongly. "The energy's coming in. It's like my whole brain and body have been rewired." Her body was shaking and she made releasing movements of her head and hands. "I hear that I'm changed—never to be the same." Her head and torso shook for a while. Her eyes were closed. She placed her hands over her heart, reverentially. There was a long silence. "There is still some slight resistance in my pelvic chakra about letting go of my old self." At first she felt that to change was to dishonor her former self. When she saw the illusion in this, her resistance released. Then she raised her hands, palms forward, as though in a gesture of blessing. "This felt like a gift from God. The pain is gone." She looked radiant.

Karen's session had many interesting features. First of all, the sheer depth and intensity of the transformation she experienced was very moving. She paved the way for this by allowing herself to experience so fully the depth of her pain so she could release it from her energy field. She did this through the shaking, bending over in shame, and sobbing. It was also important that she saw the origin of her belief that she had to suffer and endure in silence. Then the shift happened, and 'divine intervention' through the shakti of Grace took over.

The resistance Karen experienced to transpersonal energy is quite typical of what many clients feel. She felt unworthy, feared being too big or not enough, and feared losing her identity. It is interesting that it was in her second chakra that she felt the fear of letting go of her old self. One of my teachers of energy healing, Meredith Young-Sowers, refers to the pelvic chakra as the 'renaming chakra' because of its function in transforming false identities—the self-images acquired through early conditioning and labeling by others.

Finally, it is worth noting the phenomenon of 'rewiring' which Karen describes: "It's like my whole brain and body have been rewired." This metaphor is used by many people when they go through a deeply transformative process. Perhaps some day we'll have a way of knowing if there are actual physiological correlates. In any case, overall, Karen's session speaks to the profundity of identity shift that can occur in a relatively short time with this kind of work.